I have this theory about love. I believe that we have a finite amount of love within us for any given person. What really happens when we fall in love is, not that we are constantly falling deeper in love – we are simply recognizing and acknowledging it as it reveals itself.
Bear with me here, while I think up an analogy.
Let us say, you encounter someone. There is a set of dark and heavy drapes, and a light shines through this gap between the drapes. When you see this light, you go towards it, as it is attractive, intriguing, ignites passion in you, or simply curiosity. Whatever it is, when someone’s light shines through the heavy drapes of your soul, you want to know more – so you go towards it, in order to take a closer look, to explore the source of this light.
There are times when the light is pretty pale and not even interesting. One might dismiss it right then and there. Fair enough. But then other times, circumstances just push us towards it whether we care to go there or not. Yet other times, the light is intense and blinding to the point you cannot breathe until you fully allow yourself to be bathed in it. No matter which it is, let us say, for the purposes of this post, that you take action and stick your head through the drapes to peer in with the purpose of knowing more .
This translates in ‘real life’ to anything from interacting socially with the person at the start or just directly embarking upon a relationship – sexual or romantic – with them.
OK, now here comes the rest of the analogy.
When you peer through the drapes, what you will always see, is a wall. Right there in front of you, is a wall that represents this person to you. If you a scatterbrain, it might help you to visualize their name on the wall. (Oh sorry, yes, my analogy is best explained through an actual exercise).
If you think of anybody you once had a relationship with, you can visualize their light which comes through the drapes and then their wall. You will be shocked to see how well it represents them or rather the relationship that manifested specifically with them; sometimes clean and smooth and shining at its beginning on the left, and as you move your gaze down it, you can see the cracks and stains and blemishes, holes and bits missing, bits of scaffolding sticking out rudely, the texture changing from one material to another, the surrounding landscape becoming thorny etc.
Try this with various persons you have been with. You will find that the wall is remarkably different for each one. Just close your eyes, say their name and see them in your head, ensure that the heavy dark drapes in your head shut out all but a crack of light shining through them. Then walk over to that crack as you continue to think of the person in living color, breathing the whole time. Stick your head in through that crack and make note of the wall that comes into view.
The most remarkable thing I have found with this is the following (and that is my theory about love):
With most relationships, you can see the other end of the wall, that is, when you move your gaze down the wall, not only do things become more beautiful or less aesthetic, at some point you can see the other end. Meaning, if you were to physically walk along this wall (which you can also do in your head if you bother with this visualization I described above), you will reach the other end or be able to see it in the near or far distance.
Let us say, you see an intense light, and you’re like blown away by it. You peer through, and the wall is vivid, iridescent, solid, marvelous, tall, and pretty slim (meaning three steps, and you’ve reached the other end of it). Well, this might that sexy fun long weekend with some random person that will always bring a happy grin to your face, years after never having seen them again for any reason whatsoever and no urge to do so either.
The again, you might see a wall that goes and goes, that begins shorter than you and keeps getting taller or just more solid, there may be some rough patches, but you can stroll along quite happily knowing it will be some time before the end. But then the end comes along and just after it, a sheer fall or jagged ravine wall. (That is when a long-term relationship goes into flames). It might just turn into a burnt-out mess of a wall.
Or it might be something else – like suddenly as you are walking along the wall has no more smell, texture, light, or you know – character. And you are thinking to yourself even within the visualization “when does this boring wall come to an end!”. Those are the relationships that drag on in prolonged agony long after the love is all used up.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t love supposed to be infinite? Well, yes, agape-type love, universal love, brotherly love, filial love, it is all infinite. By its very nature, love exists everywhere and seemingly without limits – like…the mix of nitrogen and oxygen that we breathe on this planet. It really is self-generating and even as it is constantly given and accepted, the amount doesn’t reduce, it just flows in and out of everything, all the time, without question, without before and after. It just is.
However, when it comes to relationships of the kind which make our bodies and hearts go a-flutter, I find that there is a finite amount that we will feel for this or that person, and it doesn’t matter how intense the draw of the light is, if you can see the other end of the wall, just be prepared for the expiration of the love-relationship at that point. Without any more love to give out to that person, the powerhouse shuts down, and what is left is no more than a transactional alliance that is convenient or co-dependent – but it is not a love relationship anymore.
Love relationships have ‘love’ as a pre-requisite for their sustenance (and by ‘love’, I don’t mean habit, attachment, respect, admiration, trust, or physical attraction). Love is the thing that generates outwards from within you which allows you to be the person and do the things that makes their eyes smile – and this being and doing is never a drag but is always a secret and delightful pleasure…
If you have only just met someone whose light has awakened your curiosity or intrigued you enough to want to know them, take a deep breath when you’re home and do this visualization walk-through.
Nothing is secret to the intuition, which can literally see everything with a bird’s eye-view, effortlessly crossing space and time, showing you the truth of what really is, what is to come, and what never will be.
It is important to cast aside all wishful thinking and fears i.e. pre-conceived notions and judgement before doing this. In fact breathing in and out as we go into it, we need to go into a zone (for a few seconds or minutes) where nothing matters. It doesn’t matter if someone is the love of your life or just a quick shag. It doesn’t matter what we want and what we need and what we think the other person will bring into our lives and our souls.
When we perform this visualization (testing it first with past and existing relationships is a great idea, because it familiarizes us with the metaphors our particular brain puts forth to present information), we can see the limits of a relationship right away, as well as its intrinsic quality.
Now, just because a relationship is destined to be short-lived doesn’t mean it is without value. After all most relationships don’t last forever (only a few end with death), yet they are a part of who we are today. We are this way or that way at least partly due to our previous entanglements.
More important than any physical experiences (be it the togetherness-feeling, or the activities that were undertaken together) because after a few rounds with various and miscellaneous, they all tend to start looking somewhat…well…similar: More than any of these mundane (‘of the world’ experiences), it is what we learn about ourselves due to interacting with any given person that holds the greatest value. Even if they are no more a part of your daily life, you can think back and you will see this value.
That is why there is no need to summarily dismiss any relationship that seems to be short-lived because you can see it will take you no more than 30 steps to get to the other end of ‘their’ wall. All relationships are worth getting into (even the headache-inducing ones, as long as you don’t make a habit of those, because in that case, you obviously hate yourself).
After having fallen unconscious in amazement at the efficacy of this exercise, you might come to appreciate and admire my incredible theory of finite love.
Now, upon picturing the wall of a person without judgment, you might just see one where you just cannot see the other end. You might end up seeing a wall that goes and goes and goes, the texture of it might keep changing, but there might – for example – be lush green grasses upon which this wall stands (yes, you should take note of the environment too), and more significantly, there may be bits of mineral shining through the few dents, and pretty unnameable wildflowers growing in the places where the wall is weathered and cracked. A wall like this is already pretty interesting and good and solid, not least because it seems to be ever-adaptive. Such a relationship is well worth springing into and exploring with a steady, measured pace. Will it go on until one, or the other, takes their last breath? Hard to say, but I guess that if the wall seems endless, like one might see in an illustrated fairy-tale, chances are it will be a big love (or is, if you already are with this person and can relate to this all from real life).
Anyway, let me know in the comments section how it went. I am dying to hear. I am convinced I am right of course, but always in interested in ordinary mortals’ opinions and experiences. Who knows, I might learn something too!
Caution: some of the visualizations might make you feel ill or uncomfortable because of the somewhat toxic energy contained within them. Just go for as long as you can, then when you know (or have had) enough, just put a white cloud onto the whole thing while exhaling and come back out onto this side of the heavy dark drapes. This stuff is pretty powerful!
Another Note: If the person you are visualizing is already spoken for (and happily so), don’t go around turning into a homewrecker just because it was so good. If something has to happen, it always does when the time is right – and sometimes…well sometimes things just aren’t meant to be.