“Just Friends” vs. “Just More”


People always say, “we’re just friends”, as though it somehow ranked lower than a romance.

A good (platonic) friend is worth your weight in gold. You can discuss anything with them, or just talk about mundane things (but it clears your head), and you enjoy the time you spend with them, and you make time just to get a small dose of them, because you always walk away feeling better in life.

And a good friend is one who you’d make time for even when there wasn’t any tangible or material benefit whatsoever from knowing them. That is how great a good platonic friendship can be.

Now, the difference between apes and humans is about 2 chromosomes pairs from 23.

That is about the same difference between good friends and a romantic pair.

What this means is, the person who you adore as your platonic friend, is still 98% the same person when they are your bf/gf/lover. There is only that 2% difference, of physical intimacy and that special mojo (the x factor) one reserves for romantic partners, be they du jour or de la vie.

Those who ignore the importance of platonic friendship and want to head straight into a romantic relationship, really just want a very small thing with you. They want that 2% icing on the cake and not bother with the cake at all. That is why most hook-ups, liaisons, and so-called relationships don’t work, and often crash suddenly or just go up in flames.

If you like being with someone and talking to them without any material or tangible benefits, then you are going to love being with them as a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I discovered that most people I slept with, I wasn’t interested in chatting with at all, outside the parameters of a sexual or romantic relationship. Shows how important they were to me – not very much at all!

That is why I prefer to enter as friends, if I care about someone. Because if the likification is simply just too much, the romance will have the same qualities of mutual adoration and admiration as the friendship, but be sweet and tender in the way only a romance can be.

Limerance doesn’t last longer than 2 years or the birth of the 1st child – various independent university studies have shown this over and over. Limerance is the tingly, sparkly, everything is glowy variation of love, madcap love, lovely love, spring-is-in-the-air love. This doesn’t last.

If there is no platonic friendship underlying this relationship, whether it was developed before or during the romance, when the limerance goes, there is nothing to break the fall. Like those people who try to crowd-surf in a concert and the crowd just parts and they fall.

Without much warning, the limerance runs out, and bang boom crash. Nothing there.

Thus the importance of getting to know someone as the person they really are (98% of their them-ness), and see if you love them anyway. Because that will guarantee that if there is indeed a romantic spark and sexual chemistry, that you will be making lovely love long long after the limerance is gone. In fact, the limerant feeling stays alive because of the love and trust of the friendship, the understanding and knowing of one another. That is true love.

So when someone says I want to be just friends, don’t be offended. It means you have the chance to enjoy this person without the signal interference of sex and romance rituals.

And if someone says I don’t want to be friends, I want to only date you or nothing, be worried. Because it means they are only interested in that 2% of you, and the larger part of you is practically irrelevant to them. Of course, you may only want sex and/or sparklies from the other person as well, in which case, go for it!

If someone says I want to be friends and more, take a deep breath and thank your lucky stars. Because you might just experience the pleasures of a moonlit lagoon enclosed by solid rock.

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